“Clash of the Titans”
Written by Travis Beacham and Phil Hay & Matt Manfredi; Directed by Louis Leterrier; Stars Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Alexa Davalos. Story: Perseus, the mortal son of embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the Heavens.
Seen by Adam and Lars April 4, 2010
LARS:
Do you like cheese? That is the key question to ask yourself, before you go and see “Clash of the Titans”. More specifically, do you like Greek cheese? This is a feta-fest of the highest order, but I suspect, if you arm yourself with the knowledge that it’s going to be utterly cheesy, it may be enjoyable in a sort of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 kind of way. And far be it from me to condone using illegal drugs, but I’m pretty sure that this movie would gain immensely, if you are high as a kite, when you watch it.
With cheese, you obviously need ham. Not to worry, the actors are lined up many deep to provide that for you. The pata negra of hams here is, fittingly enough, Liam Neeson’s Zeus. For reasons that shall remain unknown, he is dressed as an escapee from the none-cheesier rollerskating musical “Xanadu”. In fact, the only positive thing about Neeson’s part is that he’s in a clip that can now be used in all film school classes to explain, what ‘deus ex machina’ means. Normally, it’s a concept where something happens that shows the narrator’s hand in the storytelling and takes you out of a story’s inherent logic. But it literally means ‘God in the machine’ and Neeson pulls off a wonderfully literal ‘deus ex machina’ in the final scene of the movie. If people with a sense of humor had written this movie, then surely they would have gotten a chuckle out of this.
Sam Worthington scowls his way through the movie, looking like he’s either not entirely sure if the joke’s on him, or is just wondering whether he should beat up his agent before firing him. My jury is still out on Worthington. He looks the macho part, but I have no idea, if he can actually act. Ralph Fiennes seems to be the only one in on the joke. He is utterly preposterous as Hades, coming across as a mix between Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series and Amon Goeth from “Schindler’s List”. But at least he’s fun as hell (sorry), and the movie picks up every time he pops up to create more mayhem for our questing heroes.
The creatures are fun too. Giant scorpions, the snake-haired Medusa and the uber-monster The Kraken all put up good fights, and if the production hadn’t decided to screw itself by adding the worst 3D we’ve seen since the 1950’s as an excuse to raise the ticket price, they might actually have made for good entertainment.
Dear Hollywood, if you really think 3D is going to be the reason movie theatres survive and it’s your primary weapon against piracy and home viewing, you have to try harder. So far, there’s been only one movie that has benefited from 3D and that’s “Avatar”. The reason that worked was that it was planned and directed as a 3D adventure, and because Cameron knew how to use it to draw the viewers into the world of Pandora. This current wave of 3D films will soon wear out its welcome, if you mangle movies like “Clash of the Titans” by adding 3D for no other reason than to cash in. It looks like shit, there’s no depth to the cinematography, and it was not shot and edited for 3D projection. Poor Louis LeTerrier knows how to direct action and he’s probably horrified by what you did to his film. Stop it now. Needless to say, then, if you feel like this cinematic equivalent of a cheese plate is right for you, then make every effort to see it in 2D to tell Hollywood that the game is up.
There are many unintentional laughs in “Clash of the Titans” and logic has long since set sail for the horizon, probably cursing and shaking its fist. Fair enough, this kind of source material is not easy to make into stories that make sense. It’s about gods and humans at war for Christ’s sake. Of course it’s ridiculous. But I can’t help but wonder if it couldn’t have been written so that you, as the viewer, actually feel that something is at stake. In this version, poor Perseus (Worthington) is really just going through the motions without anything ever pointing to him being the slightest likely to fail. Hence, there’s no dramatic tension. It’s hi-ho, hi-ho and off to kill monsters we go. It’s all in a day’s work. So for me, the movie’s most quotable line, “Release the Kraken”, will forever be synonymous with a human bodily function that requires sitting down.
ADAM:
Who ever thought I’d yearn for the days of Harry Hamlin?
Clash of the Titans-3D is a missed opportunity of mythic proportions. However, to suggest that a myth should be written about this fail of a film is a misnomer; it deserves very little discussion through reviews and should be forgotten as quickly as the actual myth was by the three credited writers.
This thing misfires at nearly every angle, including the angles themselves—the action is shot way to close for the most part. The set direction and production design, the storytelling, the dialog and most specifically, the 3D, or whatever it is that cost me an additional five dollars a ticket, is a travesty greek divine intervention cannot fix.
Release the Kraken, rinse and repeat. I wish Medusa would’ve looked at me before the movie started; I’d have turned to stone and not been subjected to an hour and forty five minutes of bad film making and cliché, some of which actually adhered to legitimate mythology. And yet, I watched. And I laughed; though never when humor was intended — from Sam Worthington as Perseus telling his band of merry men about to confront Medusa to “Kill this bitch!” to Liam Neeson as Zeus, captured by a lens so Vaseline lathered it makes him appear as foggy as a San Francisco spring morning. Zeus’ Mount Olympus is depicted as one tiny set where other Gods (extras who never speak) stand on pedestals like pieces of a Time Life Civil War Chess Set. The only true interaction that takes place here is a bunch of bickering with Hades, played by Ralph Fiennes, who borrows much from his performance as Valdemort. Zeus and Hades are done up in rags and armor which compliments their long hair and beards. It all comes off part Battlefield Earth, part Bee Gees. You start to get an idea of where the unexpected laughter comes from. But it doesn’t end there.
Watching giant scorpions somehow become domesticated for the purposes of a pilgrimage across the desert is so implausible, so inane, it invokes images of Peter Falk’s tall tale from the original “In-Laws” about flies taking off with babies clutched in their beaks — a horror that necessitated the Guacamole Act of 1964. So what isn’t unintended humor is cliché or contrived. Alexa Davalos as Andromeda, clad in a flowing white dress tied up as a sacrifice to the Gods and or requisite Kraken is a visual copy of Fay Wray in King Kong. Or, if you’re under a hundred, it’s a visual copy of Jessica Lange in King Kong. Or, if you’re under fifty, it’s a visual copy of Naomi Watts in King Kong. Isn’t Hollywood great? I can’t wait until they remake this film. Again. In 4-D.
And that brings me to this “3D.” This shit has to stop. That’s a ridiculous, general statement and I apologize — this is better: this shit has to be regulated. There is a MASSIVE difference between a film shot on 3D and a film that has been “turned into a 3D film” via a process. Before Titans, Lars and I saw a trailer for Step Up, 6? — I’m guessing — that was shot in 3D. The film looks plenty awful, and much of the shots were manufactured for the effect, but at least the 3D was taken into consideration when they made it. This doesn’t happen when the 3D is an afterthought — a decision to make more money. So I suggest this, MPAA: I want a new rating, just like G-PG-PG13-R-NC-17 for 3D films. Give me one rating if the film was shot 2D and processed into 3D and one if it was native shot on 3D. And charge accordingly. Don’t do that and I’m afraid all the money earned from 3D surcharges is going bye bye when the market cries “bullshit” and takes their money elsewhere. Like to ebay, for a vintage Clash of the Titans Harry Hamlin action figure, mint in box.
