“Alice in Wonderland”
Written by Linda Woolverton, based on the Novel by Lewis Carroll; Directed by Tim Burton; Stars Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Story: The classic tale of Alice’s adventure after falling down the rabbit hole.
Seen by Adam and Lars March 9, 2010
LARS:
Oh, Timmy. I can call you Timmy, right? I mean we’ve known each other long enough. I have almost every film you’ve ever made in my library at home. I’ve defended you from the people who’ve claimed that you’re vision was myopic and repetitive often enough. And I was looking forward to seeing what you’d do with a classic that on paper seemed like a perfect match for your sensibilities.
Oh, Timmy. Why’d you have to go and make the worst film of your career with “Alice”? First of all, I should give you a piece of advice. Not as a filmmaker – that would be presumptuous of me - but as a professional. If you surround yourself with people of lesser ability rather than really smart ones, eventually your genius won’t be able to shine through the “mist o’shite” (old Irish expression). Now, I know it’s not nice to speak ill of the differently abled, but your screenwriter on “Alice”, Linda Woolverton, is obviously retarded, since she seems to think that Lewis Carroll’s classic stories needed a sequel and that she was just the gal to write ‘em. Maybe if you’d looked at her resume and discovered that she’s the proud writer of mostly light and fluffy material like the “My Little Pony” TV show, you’d have considered getting someone who understood Carroll’s sinister and slightly scary world and didn’t feel the urge to write a light-hearted fight with a giant monster into the plot. Timmy, that made me so mad at Linda. It really did!
You should also consider seeing other people, Timmy. It feels like you and Johnny are just not good for each other anymore. Maybe you agree on too many things and maybe the absence of creative tension makes you both a bit complacent? Granted, Johnny is probably the best thing about the movie as the Mad Hatter, although he doesn’t quite seem mad, does he? More like a bit off. There’s none of the danger of the truly insane ever at play here. And, Timmy, what’s with the dance? No, really, Timmy, what’s with the dance? Timmy, stop crying…
But the worst thing, Timmy, is that you’ve somehow managed to take one of the world’s most beloved tales and make it boring. That’s right, your “Alice” is boring. And I’m not just talking about the actress who plays Alice, Mia Wasikowska, although she looks like she doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing a lot of the time. All the characters that you’d think would be so rich to mine for material, now that we’ve decided to go off Carroll’s script, remain one-dimensional and vague. Although I gotta give you that you captured the Cheshire Cat as the original cool cat pretty well. But Stephen Fry’s voice-over does a lot of the heavy lifting here.
Finally, Timmy, don’t listen to the money men when they tell you that your movie should have some 3D effects after you’ve shot in non-3D. As a master visualist, you should know better. We’ve outgrown the thrill of having things pop out at us at random times. It was fun for a while, but you might want to see a movie about some blue people that one of your colleagues out in Hollywood did to see how 3D can be used to pull the viewers into the film, not have the film poke out at them. The guy who made that film is called Jimmy. He seems friendly enough, so go have a chat with him.
Oh, Timmy, of course I still love you. You just disappointed me so. I was really looking forward to spending time with you and “Alice” and then you had to go and make me so sad. Anyway, I must run, Timmy. I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Hopefully in a small, dark, gothic and weird place.
ADAM:
Oy. I knew Lars would tear this one a new asshole, so I’m going to try to fashion my barbs into a gentle wedgie. I’ll start by saying that I’m a far less dedicated a fan of Tim Burton than many others. I loved Beetlejuice, but wasn’t won over by several of his other efforts and was personally offended when he agreed to remake Willy Wonka; I will never forgive him for that. With Alice, Burton has completed the remake trifecta, following Planet of the Apes and the Chocolate factory mistake. And it’s a toss up as to whether Alice or Wonka is the worst of the three.
It’s been less than a week since I saw the film and I barely remember it; what I do remember are the parts I didn’t like. That’s strike one. The running time is under an hour and a half and the film feels like it’s three hours long. Strike two. The second act is so plodding, so slow, I nearly nodded off a couple of times. In fact, the only thing that may have kept me awake was someone else’s snoring. Possibly Lars’. That’s strike three.
Alice is a classic story. There were so many opportunities to do great things in this film, but few were realized. It starts with a wedding proposal like so many we’ve seen before; the goofy, unlikable man with a controlling mother proposes to the doormat of a young woman(Alice); in this case, a dead ringer for a teen-aged Gwyneth Paltrow. Alice runs off to think (and pursue a strangely-clad rabbit, falls down the hole and so on…). Tim Burton has so much in the way of talent at his disposal, from actors to effects people and on and on. For him to simply go through the motions was a waste of his time (and ultimately ours). And it’s not just Burton who’s retreading here: as we fade in to a tracking shot over rolling hills and the tops of buildings, the seemingly same Danny Elfman score rises in volume: Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa-Bumpa… Haven’t I seen this film ten times before? Don’t believe me? I just ran the mp3s of the opening song from BeetleJuice and Alice over each other. Works like a pro mashup, no matter when you start either track.
Johnny Depp is decent in the only role that has any depth beyond Alice, but Johnny seems more demented and tortured than the imposing and intimidating Mad Hatter I remember from this tale. And Helena Bonham Carter (I’ve never been a fan) simply yells every one of her lines.
Then there’s the 3D. I remember “Comin’ at Ya.” It was the first 3D movie in decades – released in the 80’s. And to exploit the medium, 3D contrivances were used whenever possible. A character would drop some change, just so they could shoot up at the money and get a 3D shot of the coins flying at the camera. Though not as blatant, that’s what Alice felt like in many instances. Rather than have the 3D improve the movie, it was 3D for 3Ds sake. Guess that’s strike four.
And that brings me to the strike five, what I’d like to call the WTF moment. Rather than ruin the surprise (I know, if you’ve read this far you’re just running to the theater) I think you should just see it for yourself, whether on the big screen, on DVD in a few months, or as a clip online. It’s fifteen seconds, and quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. It comes out of nowhere at the climax and puts the exclamation point on this mess of a film. I’m still wondering what the hell it was, and more importantly why it was. But that could be said for much of the movie. Okay, maybe the wedgie I’m giving Alice is a bit more powerful than gentle, but deservedly so. If Tim Burton can change beloved stories at a whim and impose his own rules, then so can I; five strikes and you’re out.
