“Skyline”
Written by Joshua Cordes and Liam O’Donnell; Directed by Greg and Colin Strause; Stars: Eric Balfour, Donald Faison and Scottie Thompson. Story: Aliens invade the Earth, in search of human brains and spinal cords, which provide their nourishment to survive.
Seen by Adam and Lars, November 12, 2010
LARS:
No one sets out to do a bad movie. Everyone starts out thinking that the movie they’ll make will be a masterpiece, at least within its genre and budget. So when The Brothers Strause, who own the special effects company Hydraulx, pulled together $10 million to make “Skyline” outside of the studio system, they were probably hoping for a hit that would allow them to keep making movies independently. I salute their spirit and go-get-em attitude, while I lament their utter inability to do anything outside of the special effects even remotely right.
Let’s just be blunt here and get it out of the way: “Skyline” is a piece of shit. It’s easily one of the worst movies of the year. The acting makes “The Expendables” look like Oscar material, and the dialogue makes “Piranhas 3D” sound like James Joyce. The only think that works is the creature design, which is a mix between Geiger’s “Alien”, the brain beast from “Starship Troopers” and the machine creatures from “The Matrix”. They are cool and whenever the movie focuses on the creatures, you almost forget just how crap everything else is. The Brothers Strause can do creature design and special effects, and some scenes could have looked like a movie with 10 times the budget of “Skyline”.
I say could have, because the movie looks awful. I don’t know what cameras first-time Director of Photography Michael Watson used, but the flick looks like he decided to dip the lenses in marinara sauce and wipe them off with Vaseline. Additionally, someone was apparently using a taser on his focus puller, just to ensure that everything would be blurry.
The actors were either asked to be as wooden and unlikable as possible, or The Brothers Strause decided against actually directing them. Their delivery is downright awful and you quickly find yourself squarely on the side of the invading aliens. I mean, it’s not easy to make you wish bad things on a pregnant woman, yet somehow “Skyline” pulls it off.
Of course, it’s not all on the actors and the directors. The first-time writers, Joshua Cordes and Liam O’Donnell, are both special effects guys taking a stab at screenwriting. And when I say stab, I mean stick a giant knife into the chest of screenwriting and twist it viciously. No cliché is left unused, no idiotic one-liner is too dumb and they seem to have not the slightest idea about how to create characters that an audience can root for. Please don’t write any more movies, gents. Seriously. Don’t.
“Skyline” would probably be fun to watch stoned out of your head at 3 AM with a bunch of friends. It is perfect fodder for Mystery Science Theatre. But even for someone like this reviewer, who adores almost any alien invasion movie, it almost beggars belief how bad it is. Avoid at all costs, unless you go into it knowing fully well what awaits.
ADAM:
Here’s a tidbit you may not know: the original Star Wars, now referred to as “Episode IV: A New Hope” was made for 20th Century Fox by George Lucas for 14 million dollars. Now I know those were 1976 dollars and there’s inflation, hiked actor and crew rates, international fees, blah, blah, blah but the reality is that “Skyline,” released by Universal and the uber rich and powerful Relativity Media financiers was made for 10 million. And though at the time of this writing it made over 11 million its opening weekend on the way to a profitable existence, I would have preferred it if the CFO of Relativity had green lit the purchase of ten million lottery tickets.
“Skyline” fails on so many levels and from top to bottom that I’m actually shocked the camera operator didn’t get with the program and intentionally put a hair in the gate or leave the lens cap on the camera. In fact, that might’ve led to a better end product.
Like “Star Wars,” “Skyline” is a science fiction tale, but one not even as well-conceived as the horrible ninety minute movies that air on the SyFy network. And those are terrible. Trust me, I know. I did an uncredited rewrite on one about large bugs in the subways of New York, starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and Angie Everhart. Piece of shit. Still… better than this. “Skyline” features aliens attacking the Earth (our POV, L.A.) in order to steal human brains and spinal cords for fuel or power. I find it ironic, yet right in line with the thinking behind the rest of this dreck that L.A. - not exactly the home of more Rhodes Scholars than anywhere else - would be where the aliens would be brain huntin’.
And after an quick action opening (the best choice made during this entire film process other than not having any press screenings) we spend an inordinate amount of time meeting one-dimensional characters we care less about than the empty box on the floor which once held milk duds. Once the talking heads catch up to the action opening (a flash forward), we see them argue and panic, looking foolish with every next line and situation. It becomes an unintentional comedy of technical and performance errors, with soft focused shots, overacting by the boatload and moments of melodrama that ring about as true as two silverware trucks crashing into each other. An example? I’m so glad you asked… Our female lead finds out early on that she’s pregnant. A few scenes later, when the world outside the penthouse marina apartment is crumbling down at the tentacles of the Quasi Matrix/Alien/Rockmonster visitors, another scared girl lights up a cigarette to ease her stress. The lead girl decides she wants to leave the room because of the cigarette. Because she’s pregnant. Yes, that’s right; three inches of paper-wrapped tobacco road is apparently more threatening than a spaceship the size of Yankee Stadium outside the window vacuuming up people like a Roomba on steroids.
And that’s the real problem here. Or the biggest problem: the script. It was written by first timers who normally do effects and thought they could tell a story. Unfortunately there is a difference between having an idea (relatively easy) and telling a story (way harder). The other parts of the puzzle (dialogue, action, oh…plausibility) get sacrificed and we suffer. A lot. In fact, the dialogue is so bad and predictable, the screenwriters should have their laptops taken away. The only joy is found in acknowledging the badness and going the other way. In this case that’s laughing at the bad dialogue and actually rooting for the aliens to kill the actors. I did both things and it made the experience a little better. The best part about seeing a movie like this is when Lars and I walk out of the theater, I know I’ll enjoy writing about it. I did when we saw “Splice,” a completely laughable misfire not worth the film it was printed on. And a week does not go by without someone mentioning our reviews of that film and how enjoyable they were. Well, “Skyline” makes “Splice” look like “Schindler’s list,” so maybe Lars and I can catch lightning in a bottle twice. And if not, Nic Cage’s next film looks like it wants to do everything to make “Skyline” look like “Chariots of Fire.”
